Grab every single chance to try new things. Everyone, including friends, teachers and relatives, has told me something like this since I was born.
At the same time, I am always considered as an obedient girl by the others.
‘Don’t go to karaoke with your friends, it’s dangerous.’ So I did not go to my friend’s birthday party when I was a Form 2 girl.
‘Don’t be too close with Doris, she isn’t a good girl.’ So I seldom chatted with Doris, though she was sitting beside me every day throughout my Form 2 study.
When I was small, each time I told my mum about my feelings and decisions, she would give me her suggestions. What I had to do was simply following her advice. However, I felt uncomfortable and have lost my freedom. Gradually, I told my mom nothing, so that I could earn my freedom. From then on, she knew nothing about my friends and school life, except things that she was told by my class teachers in parents’ day, such as my academic results.
I was studying in a girls’ secondary school. Form 3 was a stressful but happy year. I met a girl who played an important role in my life that year. I still remember that first gaze we had on the first school day in Form 3. She was laughing happily and loudly with the one sitting beside her. At the moment we looked at each other, I knew we would be good friends. Icy was a sporty girl with short cool hair style and bronze healthy skin color. She played basketball every day after school. However, she was not tall. The story between us started after she became my neighbor seating beside me in that memorable year.
‘Do you know why I hate mathematics that much?’ Icy asked me seriously.
‘Because you don’t like calculating?’ I wondered.
‘No, it is because no one likes problems.’ Icy laughed.
She told me jokes in lessons when I felt bored. Having her as my “neighbor”, I did have lessons interestingly. I enjoyed my time in school. Besides, she sent me messages after school. We talked on the phone for more than an hour at night. There were countless topics between us to talk about.
Time flew. Three months later, we have our seats changed. But still, we have millions of messages each month. We were so lucky that we were using the telecommunications services by the same company so that we could send messages for free.
One day, nearly at the end of F.3, Icy sent me a message. This message was so special as it contained more than five hundred words. It was separated into three messages automatically. The ‘first’ message was mainly about how we knew each other and how we became good friends. She wrote ‘I have foreseen that u would be my good friend since the first sight on the first school day in Form 3. You looked so cute and… silly, haha…’. It was so miraculous that we felt the same way for our first gaze. The ‘second’ message was about her feelings towards me. She told me that I was the apple of her eyes. It was so simple, but shying. And the ‘last’ one was about her hopes for us. Reading word by word, I felt like nostalgic, surprising then a bit nervous.
I did not know what to do once I received her messages expressing her extraordinary love to me. I could not tell my mum as I could predict she would say to me something like ‘don’t be too close with Icy anymore. She is weird.’. I had only a few friends to talk with as I stayed with Icy whenever I was at school. I was a stupid girl in Icy’s eyes. I chose to reply her humorously.
‘I know you love me. Don’t miss me too much. Haha! See you tomorrow!’ Pretended nothing special and went to bed immediately after sending the reply.
I have thought a lot in the few days after receiving Icy’s messages. Did I really love her? What would happen if we were together? Would I lose this friend if I reject her? It was my first time to feel such confusion about my feeling. I knew love between girls was not ordinary and I was afraid to be abnormal.
A week passed. Icy and I were discussing our English writing assignment about friendship over the phone.
‘What do you think if I write about you, Carmen?’ Icy asked it in fun.
‘Ya! Sure. But please don’t use real names.’
‘Hey, still remember what I’ve told you last week? About my feeling to you.’
‘Yesss… um… I think... we… can have a try!’
My curiosity and uncertainty actually pushed me to come up with this answer. This was purely because I really wanted to have a try to be in a relationship with a girl. I wanted to try to be an abnormal girl. Grab every single chance to try new things. I would only spend three years more in a girls’ college. This time might be my only chance to try what would the feeling of having a homosexual relationship be. The decision however sounds selfish as I gave it a shot due to my curiosity, not because of true love.
Three days later, we had our first date. It was a sunny Sunday. We went to the West Kowloon Waterfront Promenade. It was beautiful. Being surrounded by trees and flowers, we had our very first and only picnic there. We bought sushi and two bottles of fruit wine. This is my first time to drink with my ‘first lover’.
‘How many apples you can eat when your stomach is empty?’ Icy asked me seriously.
‘Um, I think three to four apples?’ Answered without realizing she was trying to make jokes on me.
‘Of course not!’
‘Why? What do you mean?’
‘When you have finished eating the first apple, your stomach will no longer be empty!’
That day, she told me not only jokes and jests, but also her thoughts and dreams. Stayed there for more than nine hours, we laughed, we cycled, and we enjoyed the sunset. The remarkably round golden sunset brought our date to the end. We held each other’s hands and went back home together.
‘Look! Those two girls are holding hands! Are they lesbians? They are so cute! Haha...’ A voice caught my attention while I was chit chatting with Icy.
I looked up. A fat girl with a horrid smiley-face was gossiping with her friends. The fat girl and I gazed at each other. I could see teasing in her smile, so disgusting and annoying. It was so horrible that I could still recall how I felt at this moment.
I was still afraid to be abnormal.
That date was really sweet for me until that unexpected accusation. After that day, I did not want to talk to Icy anymore. I went to the library every recess so as to hide myself from Icy. I did not reply to her messages or answer her phone calls. I did avoid having any communication with her. I hated the feeling of being treated as a weirdo.
When we were promoted to F.4, Icy and I were separated into different classes. We studied in different electives, in different floors, and with different friends. There were no communications at all between us, not even a “Hi” or any single word. I did not even inform her that I had decided to break up with her. She should be very curious why I had got a complete change after that ‘sweet’ date. The only time I met her at the staircase in a day one month later, she was still laughing loudly with the one beside her, same as what she used to do. She will not know the start of our relationship was not because I love her. She will not know the reason that our relationship ended was because of my selfishness neither. She will never discover all these truths.
Grab every single chance to try new thing. This relationship is new to Icy and me at that moment for sure. It is new to be in a relationship as well as to be in a relationship with a girl. This might be a terrible memory for Icy. I will never know. However, it was a vulnerable experience for me. Although people are getting more open to the love between the same sex, homosexuality in Hong Kong is still considered as an abnormal relationship. A gay or a lesbian is still a special personality to conservative people, i.e. the fat girl. That fat girl actually brought me to know more about myself, to realize how selfish I was, and to know that how much I care about others’ views, reminding me that I am an ‘obedient’ girl. Not only being ‘obedient’ to my mum, but also being ‘obedient’ to norms. I feel so sorry that my selfishness might have hurt Icy. However, I do not regret to take this chance. After trying unusual things, I know more about my own values. I will be an ordinary girl, and I can only be an ordinary girl.