Have you ever been on the horns of a dilemma, when you couldn’t decide if you should leave a group or not? Leaving a group of people is like breaking up with someone – you can never find the right time to do it. There’s no harm for you to stay, but you have already lost the sense of purpose. I’ve been struggling to make the decision for 6 years, and I ended up following the will of my body.
To help students develop a sense of responsibility, every newcomer in my secondary school was forced to participate in a uniform group. The presidents of these groups had arranged a meeting for us to break the ice. “Hi, my name is Kelvin. And…” “Why do you keep blushing? Is it too hot here or… ” So far this is the most common question asked when people first met me. I have already got used to it. “I’m fine, thank you.” I replied to him mechanically with this one and only standard response. I don’t want to reveal the truth to others and gain their sympathies. I don’t want them to treat me like a weirdo.
Ever since I was born, eczema has tracked me down and never thought of leaving. Whenever I feel like I have got rid of it, the fiery and itchy feeling would remind me it’s still there. No matter the doctors prescribed me with Western or Chinese medicines, they could only treat the symptoms, but not uproot the problem. Many researches have claimed that there is a great possibility children will eventually outgrow eczema. I never believe in this kind of researches. At least till the day I submitted this essay, I’m still unable to cure my eczema.
“Sorry, please go on.” “I’m Kelvin and I want to know more about first aid. That’s why I’ve join the St John Youth Command.” I lied. I have absolutely no idea about any of those groups. St John Cadet is the only group that seems illustrious and less old-fashioned. Even if I regret for choosing the “wrong” uniform group, it’s no big deal as the school only expected us to meet the minimum requirement – to participate in the passing out parade at the end of the school year. A lot of students had therefore resigned right after the parade. And then year by year, the students quit one after another until there were only 4 members left in my grade. I couldn’t figure out why I would rather stay than resign even when there was only a handful of my friends left in the group.
It came to the 6th summer in my secondary school life. It’s also the once in a year time for St John Inter-Divisional Competitions and the time that my eczema would easily get flare up. “Left…left…left, right, left!” “Pay attention, Kelvin! Keep your step with others.” I tried my very best to keep up my marching pace with my mates, but all this pain and burn has constrained my movement. I could barely raise up my thigh. “Squad Halt! Fall out! Kelvin, are you alright? Take some good rest tonight and get yourself prepared for tomorrow’s competition.” “Yes, sir!” I replied to my commander with absolute certainty, but deep down in my body, the symptoms of worsening eczema have already issued a warning.
The pink one, the yellow one and the white one. I took these pellets without any doubt. “You’re having flare-ups again? Need to see the doctor?” My mum noticed it. “Of course not! I bet that he would only prescribe me with the same medicines and say the exact same words like last time: take these pills 3 times a day, and you can go now.” I replied my mum with a wry. For sure, I know these pills are only for alleviation and side-effects may emerge if I take them continuously. No matter how reluctant I am, taking these pills is the most immediate way to ease the symptoms and thus relieve my pain. There is no time for eczema to torture me. I still have a long way to go tomorrow.
“Cadets, you only have one goal today – to win the game and get the trophy!” Our commander shouted out these words with his loudest voice. “Cadets, by the right quick march!”
Strong sunlight has blocked my vision and literally brought me to boil. When will this end? Time hung heavy on my hands when we were standing under the sun in full gear. “Into line, left – TURN!” Sweats dropped like magma outflow the volcano. Every single drop of magma burned my skin so badly and paint it scarlet red. “Move to the right, right – TURN!” The itchy feeling had driven me crazy and the only way to stop it is by scratching my skin. But at that moment, I was nothing but a puppet who only followed the puppeteer’s command. My body, please hang on……
“Squad halt! Squad dismiss!” The competition finally came to the end. All the people burst into laughter. I was the only one who tried to sneak out from this mighty cloud of joy. I didn’t know if their joy can last forever, but I did know that the pain would never give me a break. There was a strong feeling I could not put into words persuading me that I should not stay here anymore.
“Should I stay or quit?” “Is there a reason for you to stay?” My friend Heison, who is also a member in St John Cadet, replied me with an abstract counter-question. “You know that I stayed because my crush was there and we had gone through a lot, but now she left and …” My brain just crashed and stopped me from talking. “Don’t pass the buck to Catherine! She has resigned for almost three years and the problem didn’t exist then.” I know I was giving myself an excuse but not facing the problem. “How about the juniors? You’ve been providing them a careful guidance for years as a senior and there’s a strong bond between you guys. Are you sure you want to leave them alone?” Heison persisted. “Yeah, I guess.” My role had turned from a trainee into a trainer since I was secondary 3. I considered myself as an elder brother to them more than a trainer. “They are getting mature now and no longer need our guidance. They need to walk on their own. We have done what we can.”
I handed in my resignation form to Heison. “You need to sign here. And… it’s done.” It was the night that we celebrated for our success in the competition. No matter they are seniors, juniors or the officers, they all merge into one jubilant throng. Just by looking at these people has brought a wave of happiness to my clam and placid heart. The corner of my mouth has curved up. I turned abruptly and walked with deliberate steps towards the exit of the party room. “Isn’t the feeling of victory great? Didn’t the trophy bring you joy?” Heison stopped me. He was sitting beyond the mighty cloud of joy. “It’s great. But I have to go.” “No regret? At all?” I stopped again.
“It’s already our sixth year here, Heison. I keep asking myself these years why I would stay and why I didn’t quit. After this competition, my body gave me a reason to leave. It was just a fluke that I can tolerate the pain and won this time. Who knows if my body would be resistant to the medicine I’ve been taken and I can no longer ease the pain? We had gone through success and failure, and I had fulfilled my obligation already. It’s time for me to leave.” I didn’t know if I would regret it or not in the future, but I thought I have made the right choice for the moment. “You aren’t going to say goodbye?”
Stop participating in St John Cadets couldn’t cure my eczema, but it has minimized the chances of getting flare-ups. It seems I have made the right choice. This year is the 10th anniversary of our cadet division. Former Cadets were invited to join a party; I was no exception. “Look who’s back?” It’s been so long, but those younger brothers still haven’t forgot. “It’s nice to see you all again. How you doing lately Anson?” Leaving the group didn’t distance myself to them. According to their words, I’m still the big brother in their eyes.
“You regret it now huh? For leaving us, for quitting this group.” Heison approached me from nowhere. He was still the way he looked several years ago; he didn’t change a bit. “You still remember my reply? When you asked me if I am going to say goodbye to the members.” Neither they nor I have changed a bit. Up to this day, I still have no regret. “How would I forget? You said it’s never goodbye.”