Tracy threw a Halloween party and sleepover that one night. The absence of her parents had enabled this of course. She lived up on top of a big fancy hill, called “Kau To Shan”, apparently a wealthy neighborhood. As we drew closer to her place, out the taxi window I could only see mansions, or that’s what they seemed to me. Three stories tall, her living room had high ceilings which made it feel even grander than it already was. Tracy had invited all the “cool” kids, I guess that meant that they were popular, or we were popular. Anyway, it was quite a crowd. We were all friends from the same year.
The classic Smirnoff Ice, beers, and various other sweet flavored alcoholic beverages were in the mix. We were about 15, and a little bit mischievous. The sound of uplifting tunes and laughter resonated in the background. The night grew older, and the vibe was right, it felt like the party would go on and on forever. “snap”, “flash”, “snap”, “flash”. We could have been hosting a fashion show at this point. The costumes, they were extravagant. I’m just kidding we weren’t that creative, but it was cute. I could see everyone with bright big smiles and cheerful eyes that creased at the corner. Looking at their faces I felt a sense of euphoria. They were so carefree, young, and a little wild.
The next thing I remember, only a few decided to stay the night. We were all crashing in the massive living room. A huge carpet covered the floor, surrounded by long sofas on each side of the square except the side where the big screen was. By now it was just 3 guys including me, the rest were girls. We were about 9 or 10 in total.
And there she is, Claudia. No she isn’t the love of my life. I bet that’s what you thought I was going to say. I’m not gonna lie, she’s pretty cute. In fact, I think she’s one of the most attractive girls in our whole year. Long straight black hair, big eyes, and freckles. (I personally have a thing for freckles.) Slender but fit, she was sporty, friendly, and had a super sunny attitude, always carrying a smile. And she got along with everyone. I’m pretty certain that a lot of boys had a huge crush on her.
We got along alright, I guess you can say we’re friends, I didn’t know her all that well though because of different classes and all. But anyhow, I didn’t care too much, she existed, and I was a happy dude and that was that.
“Sam, you should ask her out.” “Yeah Claudia is so pretty!” “She really likes you.” “She likes you Sam, go ask her out!” – Helen, Sarah, and Joanna. “Okay…?” I don’t know what’s going on but why are they whispering? It must be a secret. But why? I’m a little surprised, why did she like me anyway? I don’t even see her that way. I don’t know, whatever, I guess it’s cool.
I don’t get it, why so suddenly out of the blue? What do I do now? And there she is, Claudia. As per usual, looking kinda cute. Oh what the hell, her besties are telling me to ask her out, it’s going to be alright, what could possibly go wrong? Everyone is having a splendid time!
And there I went, I asked her out. I don’t even know what that means but I guess we were like “together”. I told her I liked her too. I’m pretty convinced at this point that this is the right thing to do. After all, her friends are urging me so. But then I knew deep down, I didn’t really “really” like her. Regardless, the night continued. We talked, giggled, held hands, and hugged, like a lot. It was very nice, the hugging. We even kissed, she wasn’t my first but anyway it was sweet and innocent.
Staring into her gaze, I could see she was happy, it was the way she looked at me. Euphoric. I felt the same, for that moment. It was all pleasant, all of it. Until..
I sat there on the sofa leaned back in silence, Claudia by my side, her head on my shoulders. She turns to me, "Are you sleepy?" with such soft and innocent tone. I kept silent, my mind racing, I felt very conflicted. I felt such guilt and shame, I couldn't let myself go for the fact that I had completely deceived her.
I knew this wasn't right, I knew I had to tell her the truth. Better sooner, than later. Imagine, I tell her the truth, that all this while I had never truly felt the same about her. Wow, what a fucking asshole. I guess it was kind of a selfish move, but it was also to save her from an even more traumatic scenario. That moment. I opened my mouth, "Hey, Claudia, I have to tell you something.."
I didn’t want to hurt her, even though I was just about to. To lead her on even longer would definitely be worse than what I was about to do. I knew that honesty would save me, I didn’t want to be a huge dick. I wasn’t about that. Plus, she deserves the truth. I didn’t mean all of this to happen. It just did.
I don’t recall the exact words that followed. I remember saying sorry, of course, I was. A mixture of shock and confusion overwhelmed her. Her expression turned cold. Hands over her face, I could see the tears seeping through her fingers. Her long black hair fell over, hiding, in utter embarrassment. “Oh fuck.” What the hell did I just do.. I could only imagine how she must have felt inside. Shattered. I felt even more stupid.
As she stood there, I held her. Wiping away her tears, trying to comfort her. How ironic, I caused it. The room silent, except the sound of her sobbing. Everyone else either asleep or pretending to. The lights were out. Nobody was going to get involved, not yet. What seemed like a never ending night, finally came to an abrupt turn of emotions.
The following day, it was as if nothing had happened. Everyone parted ways, and I almost forgot about it all. Until when I returned back to school, the whole group of girls pretended that I didn’t exist. I was a ghost to them.
A year later, we returned as seniors. All that middle school drama, completely wiped, it was as if we hit the reset button. Everyone came back looking different, without the uniforms and that. In the very end we all reunited as friends, and to this day we remain so. I wonder though, if Claudia remembers that night as vividly as I do. I guess we’ll never really know. And if there is one thing that I learnt from this experience is, just be honest. It will save a heck load of trouble in the end. And of course, do not mess with a girl’s feelings. That’s just straight up hurtful and a complete jerk.
Till today, with any encounter, I am direct and straightforward with my intentions and thoughts. Maybe a little too blunt at times, but nevertheless, I will remain truthful with my feelings.