Shy. Lonely. Pessimistic. Unsociable. When I was young, everyone called me “Weirdo”. Friends? No one. No one wanted to be a friend with a weirdo. I remembered once a person said to me,
“We love, hate, smile and cry to find attachment to the world. A human can never live alone.”
Yet, I was unable to understand the meaning behind it at that age. Teenage life was always full of confusion and struggles. Isolation was never a big problem to me.
There were many factors that contributed to my unsociable personality. The primary factor was family. In my childhood, my family could never provide me the sense of belongings. There was no chance for me to learn how to build a proper relationship with others. Nevertheless, I got used to it and I enjoyed being alone. At school, I usually sat on my own seat and had my lunch. Book was my friend. I read books at morning, recess, lunch time and even on the bus. Sometimes I would read a book while having lunch to reduce the dull atmosphere due to no one talked to me. Whenever there was a group project, I would always raise my hands to tell teachers that I had no group. Then the teacher would assign a group for me. Now you knew that why I was being called “Weirdo”.
That was how I survived in those days. You may think that I was such a pitiful girl. Yet, I got used to it. I thought my life would go on like this. However, everything changed in the year when I was Secondary four. Yes, you can never live alone.
At first, days in my secondary school were just ordinary as usual. Bullying continued as usual. Fortunately, they were not something big. I did not get beaten up. I remembered it was the day that our class would change seats once a month. When it came to my turn, I looked at my class teacher, she pointed to a boy and said, “You sit next to her.” I looked up slowly, a tall, shiny boy fell into my eyes. Oh, it’s him! So, this was how the story began, a boy called Cyrus.
Cyrus was a shiny and sociable boy. Tall, thin, small eyes, He had a charming smile with big dimples on his face. Unlike me, he was very sociable. He always got a group of friends surrounding him. I always thought that God had sent him to rescue me, to help me to get out of all the mess in my life. We became closer each day gradually, step-by-step. At first, he had lunch with me since I always had lunch alone. Then, we often stayed in classroom after lesson and did homework together. After school, we went home together since we took the same bus. If we both were free at night, we would talk on the phone about the stupid things happened on that day. At first, I did talk much with him. But days after days, I started to talk more about myself and things around me to him. This was the first time that I had a close friend in my life. The first time I felt attached to someone. I thought we were going to be like this forever.
One day, I walked into the classroom and opened my locker to take out the textbook needed for next lesson. When I opened the locker, I shouted, “Gosh!” pieces of chips falling out of my locker. Again. I was a bit frustrated already at that time.
Then, I saw Cyrus walking into the classroom. There were several classmates beside him. He ran into me and said, “Hey, I promised them that you will go to the Tsing Yi Sportsground with them together tomorrow. After the events, we will go to have dinner together. Let’s go together, I told them that you agree to join us.”
I was very angry, “What? You helped me say yes? Have you ever thought about my feeling? What if I don’t want to join them? I’m used to be alone. I don’t need friends. If you want to go there with them, you can. But I can go there on my own.”
I shouted in my mind, “Why did I need friends? My classmates just did that thing to me although I knew that it was not that several friends beside him. But I did not need friends. I enjoyed being alone!”
“Why do you build a wall around your heart? Why do you always reject other people? You know, you don’t have to be like this all the time.” he stared at me and sighed.
“You-don’t-know-anything-about-me.” I gazed at him, said it word by word in a calm voice, then turned around and walked away.
This was the first quarrel between us. We did not talk to each other for many days. I was alone again.
One afternoon, he invited me to go to visit his home.
It was the first time I went to his home. Clean, bright and warm. I walked around, suddenly, I was attracted by a photo frame. I recognized the boy was Cyrus. But who was the man? I had never seen him before. I stared at it for a long time.
“He’s my father.” A voice came from the back.
I suddenly realized that I had never seen his dad. He had never told me anything about his dad.
“He died in a car accident. I was only ten at that time.” He said it in a calm voice as if it was not a big deal.
I had never imagined that he had such a miserable childhood. In everyone’s eyes, he was such a shiny, sociable person. Who would ever think that he had a painful experience?
“You know, I was once like you. After he passed away, I blocked myself from others for a long time. But later, I realized that human can never live alone. Just like you, you are sad because of me, right? When we are talking on the phone, you feel happy, right? Even though you don’t want to admit it, but we are always attached to others.”
“We love, hate, smile and cry to find attachment to the world. A human can never live alone.”
“I know that your family didn’t make you feel any belongings. Your sister told me all about that. Your experience, the bullying, the isolation, they all made you reject others. I’m sorry that your parents didn’t make it, really. They should have made it. But Yuenyu, you’re not a kid anymore. You need to grow up. Don’t trapped in the past. Only you are responsible for your life.”
He held my hands. Warm, soft, comfy. I stared at it for a long time, “Connections, that’s what I’m longing for.”
I knew that I have to make a choice, step forward or back. I had been staying in my comfort zone for many years. But from the bottom of my heart, I knew that something had changed within these few months. There was no way I could go back to my own world anymore. I did not sleep at all that night.
The next morning, a letter was sent to that several classmates. In the letter, I explained why I isolated myself from others all these years. That night, I received a WhatsApp message,
“Hey, do you want to join our party next Sunday?”
So, this was how the story ended.
When I look back in life now, there are many choices I have made. Some are right. Some are wrong. But there is one decision that I will always be thankful that I have made it, that is stepping out of my comfort zone and trying to become attached to others again. It totally changed my life. That group of classmates have become my best friends even up till now. We experienced a lot of things. We participated to be the committee members of the Student Union, we even travelled to Taiwan together as graduation trip.
I still enjoy being alone. But now I know, I can enjoy being alone and attaching to others at the same time. They do not contradict each other. I will always remember this quote,
“We love, hate, smile and cry to find attachment to the world. A human can never live alone.”
What happened between Cyrus and I later? That is another long story.