It was Lunar New Year. I had to declutter and clean my house to prepare for the upcoming Lunar New Year and I saw this fissure on my dark wooden floor in the small corridor near the kitchen. That transported me to a vivid scene of my earlier life. The fissure was made because someone threw a china bowl onto the floor. It also symbolized a crack in my heart that would never heal.
On a usual night, my mom and my dad fought. My dad was infuriated and he threw the China bowl he was holding. The sound of the breaking bowl was a clear crack through the air. I remembered there was rice everywhere. My heart broke with the bowl. There was nothing left. My sister and I immediately ran into my bedroom and locked the door. We heard more screaming and shouting.
The bowl became pieces of broken porcelain. There is a saying: Life is like a mirror. Once it’s broke, you can still the cracks even if you put the pieces back together.
My dad eventually left our family and we no longer live together. After he left this family, it felt so peaceful, so quiet and so comfortable. At least I felt comfortable living here… At least I felt safe again... At least I did not have to hear them fight again…
The turning point in my life was when dad left our family. I think his leaving did more good than harm to us. He was a very violent person, I would say. Throughout my childhood, he would beat me up. Bruises and scars were all over my arms and thighs. I would have to cover it up because I did not want anyone to question where those bruises came from. So my childhood was genuinely not a very pleasant one... I was not bothered by his leaving. On the contrary, I felt relieved. I felt safe living at home.
You can't imagine how scary he was. He had anger issues. My defense mechanism blocked him out of my memories. I do not really recall what he looks like now. It was about three years ago the last time I saw him.
There were some nights that haunted me for years. I would be waking up to the sound of things breaking in the kitchen. My Filipino helper told me that he broke some cups in the kitchen at night again. He would also come home very late, mostly in the morning, like 4 to 5am. You know when someone was drunk, and they started to smell ‘drunk’? That was what I would smell all the time.
One time he beat me because I was protecting my dog. My dog bit him because he was provoking the dog while he was on his way to the bathroom. My dog was triggered and started to growl. He immediately grabbed a hanger and start to beat my dog. When I saw this happen, I immediately grabbed my dog and hugged him in my arms, preventing him from beating my dog. ‘Give me that f**king dog, or else I will beat you instead!’, he yelled at me. ‘You provoked the dog and so the dog attacked. It was not his fault!’ I cried. I did not let go of my dog. He then beat me and kept saying, ‘You are my daughter and you supposedly should be on my side. Your dog bit me and you're helped helping the dog?!’ Then, he managed to get a thick rattan stick. Before he beat me, I calmly commented, ‘If you think beating me is the right thing to do, then do it.’ All I remembered was the rage in his eyes. All I saw was rage. He used that rattan stick and hit me on my right arm. He pushed me forcefully after the hit and I fell on the floor. I guess this was the most memorable type of bonding time I had with my father.
On the day he left, he packed his belongings into the red-white-blue bag. Before he left, he handed me the mailbox key and said goodbye. The mailbox key was like a key to my new life chapter.
I started to see things change in me. I started to become more independent, and started to be more understanding to different situations. I started to feel ‘at home’ in this apartment. There were no sounds of things breaking, no arguments, no drunk people. We enjoyed the family dinner during the weekends, where we talked about everything: schools, work, relationships. My mom and I would share the latest makeup trend when we had dinner together.
Thanks to my dad for being an irresponsible husband to my mother and a terrible father for my sister and I. I think I have grown into a person that I would not grow into if he didn't leave those few years ago, when I started to be more independent start to be more understandable to different situations. Thanks to this turning point in my life, I have grown into a person that I would not grow into if he didn’t leave. I think my family now is more than perfect to me.
There were lots of ripples caused by the man throwing rocks into the lake. When the man left, the lake established peace.
And this is turning point taught me how to deal with toxic relationships: by letting go of someone who is not good for you.