In Chinese society, family should be irreplaceable and should be seen as the most important thing in everyone’s life. So if people knew that someone left their family, their first reaction would probably be “Oh my! Such a unfilial child.” And I heard that a thousand times in the past three years. But the truth is, it was a difficult decision to me too.
I argued a lot with my parents ever since I started secondary school. In the beginning, we argued about my friends and my exam results. My mom was so sure that my friends made me lazy and made me fail my exams. “It’s because I don’t understand what the teacher taught me.” I explained. “No more excuses, failure is failure.” She always replied.
Then three years later, I was seventeen and I had my first boyfriend. It was just puppy love, pure and good. However, parents worried a lot when they heard the word “boyfriend”. My mom and dad’s eyes almost popped out when they heard it. Since then, my mom checked my messages frequently and picked me up from school sometimes. It was shameful when I saw my schoolmates staring at me and whispering. Then one day I can’t take it anymore. “Please respect my privacy and don’t ever pick me up again mom, I am so embarrassed!” I said. “Your things also belong to me, I bought them. So why can’t I read your messages?” She replied arrogantly. I was speechless and I seldom talked to her afterwards.
Two years later, I started University. By that time I had another boyfriend. He was addicted to drugs, and my mom thought I deserved a better person than him. But I insisted that he had changed and had quit his bad habits. I wanted my parents to give him a chance to prove it. So we had the biggest conflict we've had with each other as I wouldn’t break up with him.
When Christmas came, my mom couldn’t take it anymore. Decisions had to be made. “Choose one: your family or him”. My mom said. My biggest fear finally came true and tears dropped from my face. “ Fine, I will leave as you think I’m disobedient and wasting your money.” Her face turned red and her hands were shaking.
I walked to the door and my dad finally spoke. “Once you step out of this door, I won’t let you come back.” For a second, I thought he was asking me to stay, but it turned out it’s the opposite. “Great! You are asking me to leave and never return. You don’t care anyway so why should I care?” “Give me back the keys” I throw them on the floor and left. When I heard the door close, my heart stopped for a second. After years of arguments, I thought that leaving would lesson the burden my parents gave me. I didn’t understand why my tears kept flooding out of my eyes.
After I left home, I started to work five days a week as a part time waitress and two days as a private tutor every week. I didn’t think it was demanding and tiring at all, it was worth it to prove that I was right. And as I worked as a server and tutor, I saw different families everyday. I was kind of jealous, seeing them get along so well. Days and months passed by, Neither my mom or dad called me, and loneliness occupied my empty heart. The most difficult part was facing the walls and emptiness after I returned home to the dormitory every night.
My grandma raised me ever since I was a baby, she’s the person I am closest to in my life. She always called me. But one night she called me, I heard she was crying. “Sabrina, please go home. Grandma knows your mom was too harsh to you, but it’s because she loves you. You are so stubborn just like your mom.” I had never heard her cry before, my heart felt like little needles were stabbing it, it hurt. Then I returned home. Although I went home, I seldom talked to my parents because I didn’t really want to go home at all, I just wanted my grandma to stop worrying about me.
One day, I went to a bar and met a friend. “I’m really mad at my mom. I’m twenty five now and I’m a full time bartender who only earns $14000 per month. After I graduated from secondary school, I stopped studying. And I had no hobbies as all, my only hobby is to drink alcohol, which spent most of my salary. Sabrina, I’m a loser compared to my sister. She has everything. Why did my mother spend all her time and money on her instead of me?” My friend asked.
I was so shocked after I heard what she said. My mom spent a lot of time, money and energy on me. But I was ungrateful, thinking she was too harsh and demanding, always trying to make me the person she wanted me to be. What my friend said was the opposite, therefore I realised all these years my mom was being harsh, mean and demanding was because she was trying to set me up for a comfortable life. And the most important reason behind had always been love.
“Mommy, thank you for giving me the best that you could give and I’m sorry for I didn’t appreciate that before.” I texted her the next day. “Thank you for being me and your father's daughter. Although it’s really difficult for me to teach you, you bring us a lot of laughter and good memories. Thank you for loving your younger brother. Also thank you for tolerating my bad temper and my high expectations. I am grateful that you don’t hate me for being this kind of mom. Mom and Dad loves you.” She replied.
Now I’m glad that I left the door in Christmas. If I hadn’t, we wouldn’t open the locks of our hearts and step out of our doors to reach each other.