The ticking sound of the clock slows as I hear my mother mutter these words to me “Do you want to go back? The choice is yours”. Questions flooded my mind, should I? Can I? I said to my mom “I need a few minutes”, my mom replied “sure but the deadline to cancel the plane tickets are due soon.” I headed out to my balcony. As I stared blankly into the emptiness of the skies, memories started to resurface.
It was a sunny day. The sun poured into the classroom, almost making the classroom seem like it was made from gold. It was free-time because it was the last day of fourth grade. My friends and I were discussing what we were planning to do that summer, some were going to beaches or their hometown, but I did not know my plans. Just as I finished this thought my friends turned to me, they were surprised that I was so quiet as I was usually the “loud and annoying” kid.
They asked, “So Sam what are you gonna do this summer?”
To avoid embarrassment, I muttered “Yeah… I am gonna go to travel with my family”.
My friends looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders and replied: “Well, tell us about it when you get back from your summer break, yeah?”
I nodded.
That day I rushed home. I hastily opened the door and screamed “MOM!!!” while sweat dripped from my chin and my cloth partially soaked. My mom rushed over panicking that I was hurt, “What's wrong? Are you okay?” she asked.
I replied while panting for air, “What are we… going to do… this summer?”
“Actually, your dad and I have been discussing this for a while, it would be wise for you to go to New Zealand to continue your studies”
“New Zealand?!” I exclaimed.
“Yes the tuition is cheaper and we think the education is better as well, it would be amazing for you”.
This was all too sudden, millions of thoughts rushed through my mind; so, I won’t see my friends again? Will I ever come back? How about that girl I had a crush on? Thoughts were still emerging in my brain, my mom placed her hands on my head and told me everything would be fine.
Before I knew it, I was on the plane to New Zealand. Most of the flight was in darkness, it was like a never-ending nightmare; destination: nowhere. Finally, we landed in the airport, everything seemed so foreign. Even though the official language is English in New Zealand and I had a good command of it, something did not feel right. It was like I was trapped in a maze while hearing familiar voices calling out to me, it was unsettling. I shook it off as I was adjusting to a new environment. We soon picked a place to stay and found a suitable school to my liking.
The first day of school was upon me and it felt like judgment day. The night before going to school I was imagining all the negative things that could happen to me. I asked myself, what if the cool kids do not like me? What if I can’t make any friends? What if I embarrass myself in front of the whole class? What if… I shook my head and buried my head into the pillow to scream. I told myself everything will be fine, everything will be fine, everything will …
I woke up the next morning to my mom’s screaming at me, so I jumped out of bed and brushed my teeth with haste. I followed the smell of breakfast my mom made and gulped it down. I During the ride my mind was pondering on the questions that I asked myself before my sleep. As I was in the school everything felt alien, the walls and interiors were all different from my old school. I felt like a kid that got adopted into a new family.
After walking around the hallway, I reached my classroom. I slowly turned the doorknob and entered the classroom. Eyes were glued to me, they glared at me as if I was their prey. I introduced myself. “Hello… My name is Sam and I am from Hong Kong, I am looking forward to spending this year with you guys.” The room was completely silent, the awkward silence was broken when the teacher asked me to sit down. After I sat down, I put my head down to try to avoid eye contact.
Not soon after during recess, I felt a figure standing over me, I didn’t dare to look up. With my head still buried into my desk, I thought they wanted my lunch money or to beat me up. I finally mustered up my courage to look up, and they asked, “Hey dude, do you want to eat lunch and play with us?”. In shock, I replied, “Yeah, of course, that will be cool”. They introduced their names and we all talked for the rest of the day as if we had known each other for a long time. Days, weeks, months have passed, and everything was starting to feel great, I felt welcomed to the school and had made a lot of friends, but most importantly it was starting to feel like home. It had seemed that the picture I had of New Zealand and the school was no longer a dark and gloomy place that I had to imagine it to be, or so I thought.
I was walking home one day and suddenly I was stopped by two guys from my school. I did not know them well, but I knew their names. “Hey, are you a boy or a girl?” They asked mockingly.
“Boy…?” I replied with a confused look on my face.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes of course, why are you even saying that!?”
Out of nowhere one of the guys kicked me down there. A surge of excruciating pain rushed through me.
“I guessed he is a boy” They laughed and ran off into the distance.
I laid on the ground hopelessly, hoping the pain would go away. After god knows how long I stood up and limped home. The journey home was long and painful, every step I took was like a knife stabbed into my stomach. When I got home, I told my mom, but long story short she did not believe me. She thought I must have provoked them in some way; needless to say, I felt betrayed. However, in hindsight I couldn’t really blame her. She was under a lot of pressure and had no time to deal with my problems, so I understand the way she acted.
Like a man, I rushed into the school office next day and asked, “May I speak to the principal please?”. My principal was absolutely outraged. Immediately she found those two boys and made them apologize to me, in addition, she made them write a letter of apology. I felt like a king sitting on the throne while they licked my boots, but I still had that burning rage inside of me, I was still angry but not sure at what. This anger eventually accumulated into hatred for the school after another incident.
It was a sunny day with clear blue skies, the patches clouds reminded me of cotton candy. I indulged myself in a game of four squares, and sometimes one of the guys that were playing would overhit the ball; it would always roll to this kid and he would kick the ball even further. We ignored him many times and asked him to stop, but it did not seem to work. The ball rolled to him once more, he did the same thing again without reason. I walked up to him and asked him to stop and go pick up the ball. Just as I finished my sentence, he threw a punch at my stomach, I fell to the ground and he continued to kick me relentlessly. Now a circle has formed around us, the crowd chanted “Fight, fight, fight”.
The memory is vague, but I remembered the teacher demanded us to the principal’s office. During our walk there the kid glared at me as if he was going to make my life a living hell. I ignored him. With the help of some witnesses, the principal stood on my side and punished the kid. Although I have won in a sense, my anger has turned into a hatred for the people in the school. I understand that all my friends were nice, including the principal but others, I could not tolerate. I wanted them to understand how I felt. I wanted them to suffer the pain that I endured. I wanted revenge, but I didn’t know how.
“Sam… Sam… SAM!” my mom called me as she entered the balcony with my dad.
Snapping out of my thoughts but still immersed in the memories, I faced them with an obvious angry and upset expression. The dark sky, littered with stars which slightly luminated my face, had put an emphasis on my look. It was a boy who’ve had enough of the people around him and wanted to end that feeling.
My mom asked me “What’s wrong?”
My eyes started to water up and vision began to blur. Soon, the first tear freed itself from the droplets accumulated under my eyes, the rest followed in a stream of uncontrollable flow. It felt like my tears had extinguished the burning rage that was deep in my heart. I threw my arms around my parents, and so did they to me. The embrace was warm and welcoming, I felt like a baby again, being protected by the two people who love me the most.
I said in a broken voice “I want to stay in China, I want to be home”.
They nodded and comforted me. With their loving hug, all the memories that once angered me seem to have vanished and with their understanding, I did not feel alone. For the first time in some time, I felt loved.