I can still clearly remember what happened on the Easter Eve of when I was Form 1. I could tell that the campus was slightly different from how it usually was as there was a booth in front of the gate of my school.
“Hello! Come join the gospel camp!” An ambassador waved her arms to me.
“No, thank you. I’m not a Christian.” I rejected.
“I understand! But our gospel camp welcomes all students no matter what their religion is.” She convinced.
“What if I still don’t believe in Christianity after the camp?” I questioned. “In fact, I’m a really stubborn person. If I can’t figure out what it is, I don't believe in it.”
“Have you ever heard that the freedom of religion is the most inalienable and sacred thing of human rights?” She persuaded me with her sincere eyes which looked as though they wanted to share the wonderful things from this religion with me.
My friends always claim that they had changed a lot after believing in Christianity and the wealthy in their heart. It seemed interesting. Would this gospel camp be life-changing? Maybe I should give it a try, “Okay! Count me in.”
“Oh really? That’s great! She is Ms. Tsang, one of the tutors in the gospel camp!” The ambassador introduced.
“Hello! I am looking forward to seeing you at the gospel camp. I hope that I can be your tutor.” She smiled and gazed at me, for a moment, her eyes seemed unreadable.
After waiting for days with curiosity and anticipation, the day had finally come. I sat in the center energetically waiting for the introduction meeting to start.
“Before we start the introduction, I would like to ask who is not a Christian among us?” The priest asked. I raised up my hand immediately. The priest smiled at me and kept quiet. The atmosphere suddenly became still. I looked around and realized that I was the only one who raised up the hand. Being the center of attention, it was really obvious that everyone squinted at me through hardened eyes. I felt pinned down, like an insect under a microscope- is it that weird that I am not a Christian? The priest smiled and continued, “Welcome to becoming one of us. Can Ms. Tsang please assist this girl in the camp and guide her to become a Christian?” Ms. Tsang came next to our row and bowed her head with the unreadable smile that I saw from when we first met.
Since the introduction, Ms. Tsang has always stayed next to me. My friends kept a distance from me because, as we all know, students usually hate being too close to teachers, especially to the one who is not funny but serious, like Ms. Tsang. She arranged a separate seat for me to sit with her during the meeting. She asked if I understood what the priest was talking about. Whenever I spaced out (like some people do when listening to the gospel), she patted me on the shoulder and asked me to read the bible or listened to the priest seriously with the despised and angry eyes. Every time she patted, my shoulders felt heavier as if they were bearing her expectations – STRESS!
It came to the last meeting today- the Christian worship service. Listening to the slow and soft worship music, I didn’t feel relaxed, but dizzy and cramped. Help… I couldn’t remain energetic. I curled up against my body and wanted to fall asleep.
“Hey! Wake up Ting Man!” Ms. Tsang scolded me. “This service is a very sacred event, that’s why you should not act like that! Sit properly!”
“…?” I lost my patience and temper. I stared at her innocently, angrily and painfully.
“You are the only one who is not a Christian, and you dare to be that rude? If so then why did you come to this camp? Can you not hear me? Sit properly right now!” Her eyes were full of angry and weird.
I used the energy from my whole body and pushed myself to sit properly. Suddenly, something inside my body was forcefully expulsed from my stomach to my mouth and nose involuntary- RETCH! The vomit was everywhere. “Ew…!” My friends yelled. The things around me became darker and darker… I lost my consciousness and fell down.
The next day, Ms. Tsang found me and said, “Oh sorry Ting Man… I didn’t know that you felt that sick yesterday… Would you mind having a talk with me during free time? It’s a kind of apology…”
Free time? Isn’t that the time for adventure games? Wow…I am excited! Why do I still need to listen to the gospel at that time, “Ummm… haha… It’s not good if you waste your free time…so maybe next time?
“NO! You have missed many things yesterday after you vomited. See you later!”
OH MY GOD!
During the free time, I met Ms. Tsang outdoors, a beautiful garden with many flowers and we sat on a bench which is made of marble. She held a Bible and started to preach. “The crucifixion of Jesus is recorded in the book Matthew, Mark…Jesus loves us… He died for our guilt on the cross and cleansed us from our sins. Do you feel touched?”
“Ummm… Not really sorry…”
“Why? Or maybe I should tell you the story more clearly.” Then she repeated the story once again. “Do you understand?”
“Sorry… I understand the story clearly…”
“Then? You believe in it now?”
“Sorry… Maybe I still have a little concern about Christianity.”
“Okay. You should just spit it out.”
“I think that there are many gods in the world. Maybe they are friends in heaven or hell.”
“Okay! According to the Bible, there is only one god in the world. Others are all fake, in other words, just the idol, but not god. Do you understand?”
A strange explanation. This cannot ease my concern actually. The Bible is not a piece of persuasive evidence to me because I am not a Christian. Before I can figure out the whole idea, I wouldn’t say I BELIEVE.
“Actually, I understand every word and meaning that you have told me. But the main point is that I don’t believe in Jesus so how could I believe in the Bible?” It was one o’clock in the afternoon. The sun upon our heads was spreading its blinding gold ray of light to our direction. I can feel the heat radiation filling the air and my sweat flowing down my neck. It is driving me bonkers.
“Because the Bible is recording the true story!”
“How do you know they are true stories?
“Because the Bible said it is true!” Ms. Tsang’s eyes got angrier.
But I lost my temper. She was really wearing my patience. She was not a good persuader, “Sorry? Can I leave now? I don’t think I would believe in Christianity, sorry!”
“No. Before you say you believe it, I won’t let you go!” She said.
A stubborn person.
I shook my head and stared at the playground. I saw my friends playing happily. What am I doing here? They noticed me and waved their hands, asking me to go there. The fireball in the sky is more poisonous than before. My consciousness became weaker and weaker. Sweaty, thirsty, dizzy, heavy, itchy… Her voice next to my ear like the sound of insects buzzing. It is too annoying. What if I say I believe in Christianity, then would she let me go?
“Do you believe now?” Ms. Tsang asked again.
A chance… please… please spare me…
“I BELIEVE!” I answered deadly.
“WHAT？,” Ms. Tsang asked surprisingly.
“I-BELIEVE-IN-CHRISTIANITY! Is it okay to let me go now, Ms. Tsang? Please!” I urged with anger.
“Of course!” Ms. Tsang felt satisfied.
See? Relieved easily.
After the camp, it was easy to spot the Christians preaching to others on the street. They approached me and said, “do you believe in god?” As I looked into their eyes, I could feel they are searching deep into my soul, trying to trample my religious freedom, if I say “No”.
“Of course!” I smiled. Their faces revealed their satisfactory and approached the others. When I turned around, I heard a lady said, “No I don't believe in Christianity.” Their faces were identical to Ms. Tsang loath face. After half an hour, that lady was still standing there all frustrated - how stupid.
Religious freedom is supposed to allow everyone to discuss religions freely. Since that gospel camp, I believe that, in practice, it means that hardly anyone is allowed to mention it - not only Christianity but all religions.
“Ting Man! Burn the joss-sticks and offer to Guanyin here.” My mom yelled.
“Oh NOOOO...” I tried to refuse.
A strange tension filled the air. Every muscle in my relatives’ face was tense. Without a word, they spoke to me with their despised, weird and angry eyes. At this moment, Ms. Tsang’s eyes suddenly flash through my mind. I bite my refusal back and said, “oh no! How can I not worship Guanyin right? Give me the joss-sticks!”
I knelt down to Guanyin and prayed, “If the religion is a pair of shoes... if… if there is a god in the world, please find that one that fits me, but don't make me wear their shoes anymore!”