I was a primary 3 student when I met Doris. She was thin with long hair held in a ponytail, wearing a jade necklace and she sat next to me. She seemed like a normal girl until the first class of English lessons.
“What are you doing?” She asked me with her naïve face.
“Dropping notes” I answered.
“Oh, an obedient child, why are you serious about it, huh?” She became ferocious suddenly. Then, she stuck her booger on the page of my English book. I was speechless and thought about how dirty the girl was. I wouldn't talk to her again. After school, I didn't tell my mum because it offended my self-esteem and did not feel honourable. Unfortunately, Doris tore my books and played pranks on me when I didn't respond to her. It was annoying.
“Answer me, idiot!” She asked loudly. I had no idea what was wrong with her. Maybe she had mental health issues or was jealous of me, preventing her from being an obedient student. However, I was embarrassed because others could see her bully me. I wanted to be invisible.
There was a boy I liked in the class. He had a crew cut. We met up in the after-school care centre. He was gentle and my the classmate I was closest to at that time. I wanted to chat with him, but we were not friends at all. I tried to persuade myself that he might be willing to help me fight Doris back, yet I couldn't.
Meanwhile, I was introduced to Cardcaptor Sakura. It was a magical adventure anime. The first episode was about Sakura (the protagonist, a girl with brown hair) who encountered the guardian beast of the magical cards, Kero. Kero looked like a yellow lion when he was tiny, with wings. A fantastic design like Kero interested me. Later, Kero started to accompany Sakura to capture lost cards. I admired Sakura. There was a group of people around her, like Kero, her confidant Madison Taylor at the school and her lovely family. When she has an inconvenience, she could always talk with Madison. However, I couldn’t find someone I trusted at that time, even the boy I liked. Nonetheless, I could forget about my unhappiness when I was watching these interesting plots that I would never experience in real life.
Moreover, I would draw out another storyline for the chapters I was dissatisfied with. For example, Sakura went to her grandpa’s house to enjoy her summer break. Her mum had passed away. When I saw Sakura's grandpa recalled the memories between his daughter and him in the house, I would draw her mother's soul appearing suddenly from another world as she had just finished a temporary trip. It wasn't possible but I enjoyed it.
Gradually, the depression from school made me addicted to the excitement of animation. I could find a place to release my negative energy. I became confident when I saw my drawings, but my disgust towards school and the after-school centre was growing.
Once during a self-studying lesson, I finished all the homework and drew secretly under my English textbook. Suddenly, those bad memories were flooding into my mind. I couldn’t control bursting into tears.
“Why do you cry? How old are you? Get out of here and wash your face! Shame on you!” The class teacher (who was my PE teacher) admonished me strictly. I could see my reflection in his lenses.
“What am I doing here? ” I stared at the sink and interrogated myself. I felt disappointed in myself because I did nothing to protect myself. I went my head down rapidly when I saw the swollen eyes through the reflection. I was spaced out completely. Later, I pretended like nothing happened when I sat in the class again, the boy did as well. I thought I wouldn’t be frustrated if he said something as simple as “Are you Ok?” Later, I started to turn a blind eye to him when we weren't discussing classwork.
We had a PE lesson in the undercover playground. I was playing badminton with others here because the sunlight outside was too strong. Then, Doris wandered in between us. We moved, and she followed, standing in the middle again. I was tired of conversing again and continued to play. Suddenly, the shuttlecock collided with the fan on the lower ceiling and fell on Doris. We looked at her sluggishly.
“You made my nose hurt,” Doris yelled and came to me ferociously.
“It's your choice. I can’t control the shuttlecock.” I saw the wound on the bridge of her nose. It pleased me. At night, I had no idea where she got my mum's phone number. Her mother was required to talk at school. I was not scared because I never did anything heinous to hurt her.
On the day of the meeting, we confessed to everything, including the fact that Doris' injury was an accident. The director of counselling told us to apologize to each other. I did so without feeling regret. However, my mum felt angry about my concealment. I didn't respond because my mind was consumed with only Kero. Lastly, Doris received grade retention. I indulged in the happiness that drawing and animation brought to me, it was my happiest time.
Years later, the day after graduating from primary school, I decided to visit my class teacher, Mr Ko, my trustworthy P.5 and P.6 class teacher. I found that he had a shaved head now, which was different from my memory of him with curvy short hair. I think the rumour that he was wearing a wig going around a long time while I was in P.4 may have been true. However, it was my first time meeting his shiny head.
I had anticipated that I would meet an acquaintance when I was cleaning up in the bathroom, but I never imagined that it would be her. There were only the two of us in the toilet.
“Chloe?” My mind jolted when I recognized the sound. I raised my head and looked at her reflection in the mirror. I would never forget her.
“Do you remember me? I am Doris...” She asked again. I nodded. She is still annoying.
“Sorry... you know what I mean... Can you forgive me?” Her eyes blinked and sounded begging. Finally, I only gave her a smile and left her in the lavatory all alone.
I thought I wouldn’t care about what they had done to me at that moment because so much time had passed and everyone had turned to their next page, but I still did. Meanwhile, there was a contradiction between my drawings and animations because my annoying memories come back every time I drew. But with these things tied together in the darkness of my memory, maybe they can heal each other.