It was a beautiful Sunday with sunshine blazing brightly. My father took me to a sushi restaurant in Tsuen Wan which is one of my favorite areas in Hong Kong. Usually, my father would bring our whole family for an outing on Sunday, so I thought he wanted to tell me something. It was a bit awkward to just have lunch with him alone; it’s been a very long time since we had lunch alone together. I was always terrified of my father because he was always very authoritative or dare I say, severely abusive. He is the kind of stereotypical traditional Chinese father who is always defensive of his dignity and sees himself as the ‘boss’, feeling entitled to control the whole family and make all the decisions.
I ordered some food. The salmon sashimi had the perfect balance of fat and a defined fresh orange and white color. The waiter handed us the squid sushi on a gold plate. There was some ginger on top. I took a bite. Oh my god, it was so fresh, like Poseidon had graced my mouth. As a massive foodie, I was focusing on enjoying the delicious sushi and didn’t say anything. Suddenly, my father raised his voice out of the silence.
"What’s the matter?" I asked.
"I want to tell you something but please don’t feel bad afterwards," he said with a pretentious tone of voice.
The last time he used this tone of voice was when he was ‘teaching’ me, "Son, don’t be gay. They like to insert things into their assholes." I knew nothing good was to come when he used this tone of voice, as it was just another trick to force his values on us. However, this time was different in the worst way that I could imagine as a 13 years old little boy.
"Alright…" I answered as I knew I didn't have a choice.
"We are going to move." He said.
A couple months ago, I found out my father had been borrowing a large amount of money from a finance house. As a kid, I was mortified because my education told me that this was very risky, and I knew something was going wrong with our finances. I tried to confront my father a few times but he abstained from answering my questions as usual.
"What?... What happened? Why all of a sudden?" I raised my voice and asked, tears threatening to leak out of my eyes.
"No, things are fine." He said with a high-pitched voice very 'gently'.
"But why the emergency?" I confronted him because I started to feel irritated.
"No, it will be fine…" He answered again with that voice.
"Then why the need to move?" I spoke more loudly.
"Because our house can’t allow us to have a dog, so we need to move to the countryside." He founded an excuse to answer with.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You blame the dog?" I shouted and my tears burst out incessantly.
Now everything become crystal clear. My suspicions had been too terrifying to believe but they were all true, and even though I had been keeping my expectations low, I was still mentally unprepared for this. I felt angry and cheated because I had to suffer from the results of my father’s reckless behaviour despite trying to stop him. I couldn't respond and I lost my appetite.
"...Awwww...hawwww… I know it isn’t about the dog, you better tell me the truth you piece of shit." I was sobbing and talking angrily.
"Why are you crying? It’s going to be alright. We will be moving to a village house which is bigger than now and you can have your own room. Imagine a better life to live there…" He straight up ignored me and babbled his lies.
Usually, he would slap me in the face if I cursed at him, and I was glad he didn’t this time. The mumble jumble that he talked about didn’t help but just worsened my mood even more. His words were full of shit and the one thing that for sure is that he ruined my beautiful day as usual, fuck it.
The cold stares from the other customers, the chef and the waiters were like locked on us like we were a live version of a family drama and I was the star of it, but I didn’t feel good about being in the spotlight of the stage.
"People are watching. Stop crying, there is nothing to worry about." There he went, protecting his dignity again.
Cough...Cough… I was gasping with tears and snot all over my face. I was made into laughing stock.
"Then what about your receipt of borrowing money?" I asked and hoped he could play it straight this time.
"That’s none of your business. Right now you have food, able to study, have a place to sleep, you have nothing to worry about." He said authoritatively.
"I am worrying about the future, can’t you see? You always do these risky things and now you say everything is going to be okay, what’s wrong with you?" I argued.
"It is all settled now. Either way you deal with it or move away." He said.
"..." I became silent and looked at the salmon sushi on the table. I realized that I was the fish trapped in the net, unable to make a decision for themselves. I didn’t say anything after that and we checked out. We didn't talk on the way back.
The lunch ended with teardrops on my food while strangers watched us with side eyes. As I picked up the sushi with the chopsticks, it tasted like nothing but unnecessary saltiness bursting on my tongue that water couldn't flush down. My body was very shaky and I swallowed the sushi, not tasting it. I was embarrassed.
I knew too well what was going on, but what could I do as a kid who still had to live under the shelter of their family? Once again, I surrendered to my father in the worst way possible by pretending to trust his lies.
The lunch was awfully bad but it had nothing to do with the food. It was like had I lost in a battle but this defeat was the most fatal one. It completely changed everything and became the turning point that changed my life for better or for worse. I started to become distant with him ever since then. The truth, the emotions and the disappointments were all revealed during that lunch.