Content Warning: Explicit language
"Here’s your passport and the ticket. You’ll be boarding in gate 30 at 14:00. Please be punctual. Enjoy your flight." The flight attendant said to me politely with a smile.
"Thank you." I said politely also.
I carried my luggage to the departure gate and lined up to get a security check. As I walked to the counter of the customs officer, I handed in my passport and he stared at me with a solemnly cold glance.
"What’s your purpose for this journey?" He asked strictly while looking through my passport.
"Oh well, just traveling. For leisure." I didn’t know why this question struck me and I couldn’t give a response immediately so I just made up some words and answered it with an awkward smile.
"Alright, have a safe flight." The officer finally showed me some warmth to me and handed me back my things.
"Thank you," I said while nodding my head.
Was it just for leisure? Possibly, but it was certainly not the whole purpose. I wanted to escape something that bothered me for a very long time. I needed some space to calm myself down. I walked to the gate while these ideas circulated in my head.
The monitor of a gate wrote ‘Tokyo, departing soon.’ That was the place I was looking for. I walked through the corridor to the plane and the flight attendant led me to my seat. I put my belongings in the cabin and sat down. It was a cheap airline so the seat was a bit uncomfortable. The seat looked like it has been used many times and there was not enough space to walk to the bathroom. Sitting next to me was an old couple, a housewife and his husband chatting about the airline, I supposed. I felt alienated with their presence. I guessed I am always a loner; no friends, no companion, and only my stupid and violent family that I was escaping from.
"Hello everyone. I am your captain. We are going to depart at Narita Airport. It will be a 4 hour flight. Please be aware of your safety during the flight. Enjoy your flight." The captain said through the radio. I was excited because finally I was able to leave this shitty place for a little while.
As the plane took off, I was expecting to listen to some music and think about what I was going to do in these next couple of days. After I played the ‘Lost in Translation’ soundtrack that I bought beforehand, the preparation of my escape was too busy so I fell asleep immediately. It was certainly not a good sleep with the goddamn uncomfortable seat and the sound of the engine breaking through my earphones. Besides, the memories that I dreamt about were still a nightmare.
I wiped the crust from my eyes and yawned. My pink eyes looked out the window near the older lady there, it was dark but I could see the neon lights of the city flashing from underneath. A warm welcome to another group of new visitors. I was officially out of Hong Kong, Hooray!
"We are going to land soon, please fasten your seatbelt." The captain said through the radio.
I was suddenly energized, I started packing my backpack and inserted the new sim card into my phone. The plane was descending so quickly. Perfectly landed and slowly making its way to the boarding gate for 20 minutes, the wait to heaven was so long and eventually arrived at gate 21. Thank god.
I took my belongings and took the shuttle train to the customs area. It was smaller than Hong Kong’s one and in an enclosed environment with no natural light. However, the technology was, in my opinion, far more advanced than Hong Kong's which were riddled with Japan’s signatures. I walked towards the customs, completed the check-in with a couple scans of my passport. The customs officer was very friendly, with a genuine smile, unlike that gentleman in Hong Kong who was impersonating James Bond in front of me. The warmth melted my heart so I responded with the same degree of sweetness.
"Nice to meet you, what’s your purpose of this trip?" The same question but he asked with some intonation and stress. His English was typical Japanese-English but despite that, his mannerisms alone carried a Japanese accent. He was smiling, just to name one thing.
"Oh, I love Tokyo and I am here to travel and sightseeing." I replied, smiling back at him.
"That’s great. Hope you will enjoy your trip." He said enthusiastically.
"Thank you very much," I answered with the only Japanese phrase that I was familiar with to express my gratitude.
"Thank you, see you," He replied in Japanese as well.
The trip already started off with something sweet. It proved that I had made the right choice once again. The best way to comfort myself after all those quarrels and big fights that ended with bruises and blood on my hands. I spent some money and escaped for some sweetness to my soul, it was worth it.
I went to the train station and took the bullet train. It took almost 30 minutes to arrive into town. I looked out the window. The big city with organized neon signs and billboards that caught my attention immediately. I was playing ‘Girls’ by Death in Vegas so I totally felt like Bill Murray arrived in Tokyo for the first time in the movie. Exhausted, shocked and curious, a person who was already lost in his personal life ready to take an adventure in an enormous and unfamiliar city.
My hotel was located in the big Shinjuku and it took some time to walk there. I was a bit lost so I spent some time scrolling through Google Maps. Eventually, I made it in a short period of time and was welcomed by the friendly staff at the front desk. I took the elevator and my room was facing in front of the elevator lobby. As I walked into the room, it was small but everything was well-prepared. I was very exhausted so I ate some fresh and very tasty sushi and then took a bath. Taking a bath was not a conventional experience for poor Hong Kong people like me. It was so relaxing and the pain of my feet was finally relieved after soaking in the hot water with a lavender scent.
Lying on the soft hotel bed, I stared at the ceiling in my bathrobe recalling the experience of finding my way to this hotel. Flashbacks came through my mind with no apparent reason. I remembered one particular trip with my family. It was in Osaka and I was very young. My father showed me the catalog of the hotel and I immediately recognized the look of it. But he chose the wrong bus and led us to a wrong hotel. After a 2 hours search and constantly embarrassing ourselves, I figured out the hotel was the one that I pointed at and said "that’s the one!" when the bus drove through.
"I told you." I shouted to my father.
"So what? It was not my mistake and at least we already toured a lot of places in Osaka. I organized the whole trip anyway," my father answered. Still showing his ego and suggesting that he has always been right.
"This is all your fucking fault. You always think you are the smartest of them all. You're so assured of yourself so you think you are entitled to make all the choices for the family. In fact, you are so fucking stupid without a functional brain. You made these horrible decisions and when you get busted, you blame it on me because I pointed out your shits. How fucking dare you? You think I will be forever being pulled into the fucking mess that you made? And you are still making these decisions without even asking, you selfish thick faced piece of shit," I jumped to another memory of the fight that I had with him before the trip. He slapped me in the face and then I slapped him back as a response. Then, it became a big fight. Fortunately, he didn’t break my eardrum this time, otherwise I would have ended up in the emergency room again. Memorizing these flashbacks were just too hurtful for a Cancer like me to think of, and the best way to avoid them was to fall sleep. So I quickly laid down and closed my eyes.
To begin this trip, I started off visiting Disneysea where 'you can find pure joy and happiness' as the advertisement had said. The long train journey in exchange was a magical experience. The good thing about traveling alone is that you don’t need to line up for a very long time to go on the rides. The worst thing is you need to take selfies as I am an introvert who doesn't like to ask for help. Walking around the amusement park, it felt really weird when observing everyone with their companion chatting with each other. Their smiles contrasted my straight face; I couldn’t even smile when taking selfies. This place is certainly not for loners. Still, I played most of the facilities in the park and enjoyed a fantastic dinner at night. At least I had fun, I was still eating instant noodles while listening the noises of the stupid TV that my mother loves to watch around this time when I'm in Hong Kong.
My purpose of this trip was to have an escape and take a deep rest. I twirled around the big city with a lot of interesting recreational activities. It was my third time being here and I always love the energy of this city. Everything was new and fresh, it is always refreshing to explore new places in Tokyo. Especially in the time when I was extremely lost in my personal life, I could not find something to fully express my emotions. I was lost in a place that I was supposed to feel familiar in regardless of the people or the environment. Everyday was a waste of time so I was so glad to finally find a place without being interrupted and truly take care of my feelings in need of something sweet. And I found it.
Before the day back to that abandoned place, I went to Odaiba. The view there was really good with the sea and an utopia-like area. Full of malls with innovative designs. The sky at night was beautiful with the neon lights of the city reflected on it.
In the mall, there was a vintage bowling game that I only saw in the movies. Sparking my interest, I inserted some coins and started playing. I was having so much fun but suddenly the staff came to me with a straight face that reminded me of my father.
She said something in Japanese that I didn't understand very angrily.
"Sorry, I don’t understand," I said in Japanese too, panicked
‘(Still talking in Japanese)’.. She raised her voice even more.
‘Sorry...’. I bowed and still couldn’t figure out what happened.
She pointed at the sign that said ‘Do not throw the ball so hard.’
"Oh, I am so sorry." I apologized. She left side-eyed.
I immediately left the place. As I walked and walked to the pier with a park, couples and families passed by. Stared at the sea with lights reflections on, I remembered the joy that I had these couple of days and saw other people all having fun and smiling with their companions. I wondered where my family or companion was and thought about the experience that just happened. I could not control it as tears burst out of my eyes. Finally, my bitterness and sadness was released. This journey of escape was brought me a profound realization. In that moment, I realized that I always wanted someone to stand by my side so we could be alone together. This was the thing that I truly wanted. Shopping, hanging out and having fun could not substitute that loneliness. I have been facing all my difficulties alone. A violent family, bullies, isolation, even the situation that just happened to me... I handled these things on a daily basis. Still, I am a human who needs connection and genuine support from someone else. As things stood, I did not have this. I kept crying and it seemed like the sea was the only thing that would listen to my sobs. I was a loner so no one else noticed. That was another good thing about being a loner, I guess. This was the highlight of the trip because I had not cried in a long time. The relief I felt was the sweetest feeling of all and I felt much better after that. Perhaps I needed to escape to an unknown place with a different culture and environment to understand who I am.
I bought some souvenirs after that to signal the end of my journey. I turned on WhatsApp notifications again, to see my mother’s annoying texts and reminders of submitting my working rosters. Waiting for me was another fight. Looking at the clock in the park and facing the fact that it was almost time to go back to my dump of a home, I sighed. The sweet escape was over.