I found myself in a quiet and pleasant atmosphere. Music was playing in the background and the sun beamed its last rays on the balcony, which I tried to soak up.
It was a typical late Friday afternoon in June. A warm breeze moves through my body.
In this exact moment I felt complete. I felt free. I was totally present.
In my head I looked forward to a summer full of traveling, sun and freedom. I deeply felt that I was where I want to be.
Well, this Friday was not like every other Friday. This Friday felt more free, free of commitments, free of to-do’s. This feeling came of ending the exam week. The last couple of weeks were exhausting. I was stressed and many thoughts of fear were stuck in my head. My head was constantly occupied and felt heavy.
The balcony was filling with more and more friends. The quiet atmosphere from the beginning turned into a rackety atmosphere. In the late afternoon we went towards the city centre.
By this time the sun had already set. We are standing in a circle in front of a bar, where quite a few people were standing. The place was crowded, there were many faces and noises. I could barely listen to what my friends are saying. It was a hectic atmosphere, but I felt calm. I was leaning against the wall of the bar with my drink in my hand.
Nothing could take my calmness.
I was looking around to see if I recognise someone.
And then, from the crowd, out of nowhere, I saw you walking in my direction. I knew I know this stranger. Most of the people who spend time in these bars I recognise by face over the time. But I have never seen him here. I must recognize him from somewhere else. In my thoughts I was trying to find a clue while I was watching him.
I looked away but I could not resist looking at him, my curiosity was too big. A flash thought crossed my mind; he sat next to me at the exams. He took my deep calmness in a second. I felt nervous, my body got warm, and I felt excited, or anxious?
His face, his eyes, his walk – I felt something.
I was still looking at him, while he walked straight up to me. Everything around me got silent. I only heard quiet background noise. In his face he showed no emotion. For a split second I thought maybe he is not the guy from the exam week. I must have mixed him up.
But why is he walking straight towards me then?
I felt so uncomfortable and confused and suddenly he stood in front of me.
“Hey, I saw you across the crowd and I thought I know you. How were the exams for you?”
“Hey, yeah I needed a second to assign your face. Good, well you know more or less. I am just veeery happy this nightmare is over. How about you?” In my voice I could hear my nervosity.
“Quite the same, not good but also not bad”.
He smirked shortly and continued:
“I’m Tim.”
And all I could think of was his pleasantly deep voice and the calm eyes I was starring in to.
I smirked aswell and replied: “I’m Joelle, nice to meet you”.
As I said my name I heard my friends calling me. I looked at my friend, who were already turning around to walk away. They shouted that they will leave to another bar.
I looked at him and held eye contact for a second.
His greenish blue eyes penetrated deep into me. As if he were touching my soul.
It felt so strangely good and calm. His gaze triggered a timeless feeling.
“Joelle, we’re leaving – come on” I heard a friend calling. I got back on the ground of reality and tried to find some words.
“Heyy Tim, it was cool meeting you, I hope we will pass the exams, bye bye.” While I was saying it I was slowly turning away and took a step in the direction of my friends.
“Yes for sure, now we might see each other after the summer at university.”
I smiled and nodded, turned away, and walked towards my friends who were already a few steps ahead of me.
What just happened?
He has something, but what? What makes him so outstanding even though we exchanged only few words back and forth?
Summer was over and university has just started. It was the first week after summer and it felt so unreal to be back on campus. I was sitting with my friends at a table in the courtyard of the canteen. The sun was shining nicely. We already had lunch and had some time left before the next lesson.
It was a nervous atmosphere, there were many sounds of laughter and a scramble for seats. I was not really present in the conversation, I zoomed out with my thought and observed some students.
While my eyes wandered and observed I suddenly saw a familiar face. I saw Tim. I came back to fully presence as I saw his face, his eyes, his walk – I felt a something.
I immediately zoomed out with my thought to that evening we were talking in front of the bar. I felt an instant embarrassment because I could not remember what I said or why we even were talking. It was far back in time. But I know that I found him special and now I understand why. He is just very charismatic. He has the certain something, a wow effect, the gift to enchant others. But he does not know how charismatic he is, and this make him even more charming and desirable.
We got to know each other better in September and saw each other regularly beside school.
“So, what are we?” he asked me after a night out on our way home in November.
The streets were dark the only lights came from the streetlights. It was quite the only sound was the numb sound of the music in the club still in my ear. Our bodies were close together and we were walking in synchronous step towards his apartment.
What the hell are we?
Do I know? No, certainly not.
Did I ever made effort to consider what we are? No.
Was I afraid of thinking about us? Absolutely.
What I know is that I was soon going to Hong Kong and he is going to Belfast for an exchange semester. The other thing I certainly knew was that I don’t want to start a relationship before going abroad. Do I even want to be in a relationship? I unconsciously avoided my feelings so that I would not have to deal with this situation.
I thought we had a loose situation. And I took this as an excuse not to deal and communicate with my thoughts and feelings.
I have let go of his hand and slowed down the pace and told him my thoughts very platonic. I did not look at his face while saying it and neither did he.
He replied with a noise of understanding.
For a split second it was quite. It was just about to get awkward, so I changed the subject, put my arm around his body and started to walk faster again.
The question came out of nowhere. I was overwhelmed and I did not really know what to say and which word I should use or suits the best.
We never talked about this situation or the question ever since. But we should have.
What do we have to lose? Absolutely nothing.
It is even desirable to show emotions clearly towards a person.
I am scared to let people in my inner circle because of the fear of getting hurt. But if I never try I will never know. Maybe I am not scared of letting people in my inner circle. I am more afraid of my own feelings. The fear of not knowing how to classify and articulate my feelings. Thinking back to my childhood and teenage years nobody taught me how to cope and communicate with feelings.
My habit is to ignore feelings especially feelings of love because I don’t know this feeling.
I want to change that. I need to change that. I want that my people know how I feel about them. I don’t want to lose a person just because I was afraid of my own feelings. I want to overcome this life lesson otherwise I stuck in this unhealthy habit for the rest of my life.
Communication make the situation more clear and transparent. If I am open and honest with my feelings and thoughts I have higher chance hear the feelings and thought of the other person aswell. Being straight and confidence with your feeling and thought by saying them it makes the person more approachable.
We are now eight thousand kilometre apart. I sometimes think of his face, his eyes, his walk – I still feel a connection. Sometimes I imagine looking in his deep greenish blue eyes again.
His face, his eyes, his walk – All I think of is still you.