“Where have you gone? Where are you now?”
I muttered to myself when I was sitting in front of the door, waiting for my dad to come back when I was a 15 years old teenage girl. At that time, the only thing comforting me was a teddy bear.
“I haven’t been in touch with Daddy for a while, what is he busying for?” My question wafts through the silence.
“Who is this person? Daddy just uploaded a picture on Facebook tagging a girl, saying they are enjoying the breakfast.” My sister said, who is five years younger than me.
“Let me have a look at that!” My mom asked, her voice muffled.
I tried not to care, as socializing with people is one of my father duties of being a manager of a software company. As time went by, his company kept expanding and traveling for work became a routine for him after my mother gave birth to my sister. At first, I really took pride in in my father. Unfortunately, this might have been the single spark that started a prairie fire in a short three months.
Strong. Encouraging. Protecting. I remembered I described my father with these adjectives in a homework assignment when I was a kindergarten kid.
“Hey! Little monkey! Ready for the ride?” My father always put me on his shoulder when we had family hangouts, no matter how short or long the distance was, from the shopping mall on the downstairs of home to the far away country park. “Hey! She almost fainted! Stop biting her!” My father was always the first one to stop mom’s physical punishment when I did something wrong. And what I loved most was his confronting shoulder, the smell and warmth, were my panacea when I was under the weather. My father didn’t not look charming, but he would somehow give me confidence and make me feel safe. Relying on him would melt my troubles away. I cuddled the teddy bear that he bought me from his work trip every single night when I slept. I even brought the teddy bear to kindergarten, as to let others know how I am loved by my father.
One day, my dad called me on phone after I had just finished my ballet class.
“ Hey Tina. Are you free now? I wanna talk with you…” There was something in his voice.
“Come to McDonald’s, it’s only one mile away from your studio. When you see Watson’s, turn left and you’ll see it.” He sneezed while talking.
I immediately rushed to McDonald after I ended the call. I could feel in his voice that he had something important and urgent to tell me.
“Hey have a seat, sweetie,” he said when I arrived. His face was blackened by his mood.
Two glasses of water. No French Flies. No Sundae.
“What if you move to Tai Wan with me? The academic pressure there seems lesser and you could join more dancing activities….” He paused for few seconds.
“And this is your stepmother.”
Isn’t that the girl that had breakfast with my dad? I was speechless.
“Well, your mom and I...Everything has changed.” He added.
That was the last time I met him, before he disappeared.
I had a last glance at my old home. Trollies, packed boxes, wrapped furniture. The home did not look familiar anymore. The wallet I made for my father, the tie that my mom and I gave him as a birthday present, even our family photo. Everything was left here.
“It seems that I have missed something…my God!…I forgot the teddy bear!” I immediately unpacked all the boxes to search for it.
“Oh my….the teddy bear is lost!” I shouted without a thought. How could it disappear like a gust of wind? Just like my father.
It was another blustery night at my new home, which the warmth suddenly turned to chill. This time, I did not naively wait for my father at the front of the door, I went to bed earlier and covered myself with two blankets instead. Soon, the rain came pouring down, the sounds that the drops drizzled through the trees surrounded my room. I got up and sit on my bed, with blankets covering my shoulders, the room was filled by darkness. This scene, pathetically, throwback my past memory, which I rushed to my parent’s room with the teddy bear if the rainstorm came in midnight. Now, is however, I could only cuddle myself with my arms, which I realized it was time that I should grow up, not to depend and rely on others anymore. At this restless night, I pounded and asked myself with many questions: What could I do to make my life better? What could I do to reduce the stress of my mom? Should I forgive my dad? Well, these deep in dreary thoughts came across my mind very promptly that I could not give myself with all the answers, even for now, I am still searching for them. As a student, I only knew that if I study harder, life will become better. I told myself that what I am suffering right now, would make my future prospective. These rainstorms did not frighten my life at all, not at all.
Since then, people often described seeing a lot of changes in me. I had changed from an innocent teenage girl waiting for hugs from my father to a mature young woman, more ambitious and determined. From a kid who was sloppy doing her homework, to an adolescent who worked extremely hard to get admitted to her favourite university programme. In my heart, I knew that the teddy bear that had disappeared was still accompanying me. I missed it miserably.
“Could you hear me? Could you see what I have accomplished so far?”
I muttered to myself again. But I am not waiting for my father at the door any more. Still, with a grateful heart, I really look forward to seeing him again one day.